I would like to find the center of my existence. So often there are so many things spinning around me. When you are not centered in your life, it gets wobbly because you are a heavy part of your life. Also, if you let anyone or anything else become to heavy in your life you can get the wobbles too. Often times I go through wobbles that get more and more intense until, somehow, I find myself on the edge of my existence looking in. It is a very strange feeling to view your own life from an observatory perspective. I would prefer to be on the inside.
If the Greeks urge us to "Know thy self", and the bible tells us that "Eyes are windows to the soul", then how does one know one's self while still trapped inside one's self?
In human thinking, the words self and soul are often synonymous. The dictionary defines the self as one's consciousness of one's own identity. Our eyes see everything in the world but the one thing we truly desire to see the most: Our "self" or our soul. Men often feel a strong urge to define their own self, but we can only look into the windows of others', and can only look through our own windows, which are often dirty with prejudices and assumptions that obstruct a clear view.
We are trapped within ourselves. We are trapped within the walls that we have built around ourselves and are looking through the dirty windows that we have made and have placed in front of our own view. How can we ever free ourselves from this trap?
We must first see that we have created these walls that imprison us. We can free ourselves by seeing. Only then can we tear down the walls that we have built up around ourselves. Once we realize that this prison we call the self only exists in our mind, we see that there are no barriers or boundaries between you and me. When I look into your eyes, I don't see your soul or your self. I see one soul that belongs to all. Your soul is mine and mine is yours and everyone's is everyone's combined.
This was written 1/30/2008. Its kind of an angry rant about a lot of things.. So...Beware.
The other day I was buying groceries. Included in my lot was a bottle of Sriracha hot sauce. The person who rang me up was a "spicy" little Latino girl with black lip liner and painted Sharpie eyebrows. As she scanned my items she came across the hot sauce and with a somewhat shocked, somewhat cocky demeanor, she snorted "YOU eat THIS hot sauce?"
At first I did not catch what she was getting at so I just answered with "Yeah, I love that stuff. I put it on EVERYTHING!" To this answer, she scoffed and continued with her duties. (I really do put this hot sauce on everything, it is delicious!)
It is only now, days later that her sarcasm is finally getting to me. How dare she just assume that I am the wonder bread-tater-tot queen of whiteness?! I can not begin to count the many times that similar assumptions have been made about me, my friends, my family... etc.
Another story: Just the other day I was telling someone at work about my little brother who does the long jump in track for school. His retort, jokingly, was that white people can't jump. In all actuality, my 13 year old twig white boy brother broke the all-time school record for the long jump. He had the longest jump in the history of the entire school. White people can, in fact, jump. If someone wrote a screenplay for a movie entitled "Black Men Can't Swim" there would be a huge uproar.
Stereotypes about white people usually slide right by because for some reason it has become okay to be racist against white Americans. (Not only white Americans, but heavy people, white people, gay people, women etc.)
I would just like to clear up a few things:
Just because I am white does not mean I do not have the intestinal power to withstand spicy foods, Ms. Sharpie Eyebrows. So bite me!
Being called "white-bread" or "redneck" or "cracker" is just as racist as being called "Porch monkey, Honky, Spic" or other things of the like.
White people CAN jump. They can run, jump, flip, and hop. We all have the same general muscle structure and tendons.
In regard to fat girls and white women: We CAN dance. We can shake our hips. We can feel the beat. Just because I'm white or bigger doesn't mean I have no rhythm.
Speaking "street" sounds just as stupid and unintelligent as speaking "redneck". Also, just because I speak with generally correct grammar and have opinions about things that matter doesn't mean I am an uptight bitch.
Being white does not automatically mean that you grow up privileged and being black doesn't automatically mean you grew up poor. I have had to work just as hard as anyone for what I have in life. I have been homeless. I have lived without electricity or running water. I have bathed in lakes and washed clothes in the river. I have been an outcast, poverty stricken, Ramen noodle eating fool.
In regards to religion: Being Atheist does not mean that I am without moral values. I don't need you, your God, your religion, or your crooked religion backed politicians to tell me what right and wrong is. I try to be a good person because I WANT to be, not because if I don't I will be sent to hell. Also, just because I don't believe in God doesn't mean I believe in nothing. I'm an Atheist, not a Nihilist.
Just because I don't attend college does not mean I am lazy, lacking intelligence, or not trying to better myself. Perhaps I am just fickle and change my mind too often. Or, perhaps I just learn better away from a classroom setting.
This is another old blog that I found and decided to re-post. This was originally written 12/31/2007.
I find astonishing all the things I say internally that never make it to the surface to be spoken. Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if everyone just spoke exactly what was on their mind.
There would be no fake or "pity" laughs. One would just tell another that they are not funny. There would be no mindless chit-chat about the weather. If someone asked you "How's it going?" you would know that they truly did care and that they were not just asking to be polite or fill in the silence. None of the usual pleasantries would apply.
I find myself, more often than not, just smiling and nodding when my mind is really saying "I can, in no way, relate to what you are saying." I find myself censoring my words to avoid hurting feelings or to avoid being judged or to avoid being too forward about my feelings or to not seem "clingy".
I also find myself not only censoring, but completely turning around what I feel like saying and saying just the opposite. When someone is trying to be witty, but not succeeding, I really just want to say "You do not amuse me." and/or "You sound like you are trying to hard to impress me." Instead I say "You are funny!" and give a little giggle.
When someone is telling me intimate details about their life that I'd rather not hear, why do I just go along anyway? I, along with everyone else, have grown so accustomed to pleasantries that it doesn't even feel fake most of the time. It feels like normal genuine courtesy.
I wish that everyone had it in them to pay the courtesy of truth. It is not unlike telling someone they have spinach in their teeth. It is one thing if it is something the person has no control over, but if it is something that can be changed for the better, shouldn't we man-up enough to tell someone that they metaphorically have "spinach in their teeth" so they can make the effort to remove said "spinach"?
This is a poem that was on my blog before I erased it all. I am posting it on here again because I like it. I wrote this when I was about....17. Which is almost 10 years ago. Scary.
Considered to be a weed by most, They have no specific reason to boast. Yet still they shine their happy smiles, And grow on the roadside for miles and miles.
Fragile? No not this little dandy. Who wasn't allowed to keep company with the pansies. Strong as ever even after you mow. You pull, you dig, but still they grow.
Never asking anything from above. Just water, sunshine, and a little love. Never getting much from people in return, But we all know no matter how much you burn This little flower will never be gone. It will forever haunt your heart and your lawn.
*In great big stretches and yawns and sneezes *In trying to make your own art before buying prints of others work *That the right frame can make any picture instantly prettier *In blowing bubbles in my chocolate milk *In dancing when I am alone in an elevator *In loving your pets like children *In spoiling your pets and/or children whenever possible *In wearing perfume every day, no matter where you are going or what you are doing *In SPF 50 sunscreen *In doing things just to say that I've done them *That watching the sunrise will always make the day brighter *In singing out loud to myself, no matter how horrible I sound *In high thread-count sheets *That saying the right thing in the right way can instantly change any situation or confrontation *In dollar store, thrift store and yard sale shopping *That regular massages are essential, not extravagant *That my toes are people too *In the power of exfoliation *That things made in mini sizes are automatically cuter than the original *That letting your kids play in the dirt (and occasionally eat some) is good for them *In long naps whenever possible *In aging gracefully *In reading children's books (as an adult) *That the right bra can change your life *That the sounds and words you hear daily affect your mood more than you think they do *In buying myself flowers *In working as little as is necessary *In moving the furniture around regularly *In letting my hair "do it's own thing" most of the time *That smiling makes you feel good, even if you have to fake it at first *In asking lots of questions instead of pretending to know *In talking to strangers and saying "Hi" to my neighbors in the hall when I see them *That if I could stick both arms out to my sides at the right angle and run fast enough, I could fly *That having the occasional "melt-down" keeps me more balanced than meditation (ha-ha) *In reading several books at once *That coloring books are therapeutic *That things are almost always more than what they seem *In doing whatever it takes to make myself happy because in the end, I have to answer to me
In the sidebar on Myspace.com, there are often Match.com advertisements with looping videos of men or women acting cute/sexy while supposedly chatting with someone online via web cam. They are meant to be enticing.... As though to say "Hey, you can meet these kind of sexy, attractive people on our website right now! Come check it out!" Now, I will get to the point of my blog in a moment, but first, I want to give you a little information about Match.com.
Match.com, on the home page of their website, has this to say:
ONLINE DATING AT MATCH.COM "Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find love on Match.com. Match.com pioneered the Internet dating industry, launching in 1995 what is now the most recognized dating service worldwide, and today serves more than 15 million singles in 37 countries. And, as an undisputable leader in the industry, Match.com continues to redefine the way single men and single women meet, flirt, date and fall in love.......
"THE MATCH.COM SINGLES COMMUNITY"
Who's on Match.com? Your neighbors, coworkers and more than 15 million singles worldwide. Every day, more than 60,000 new singles join our growing community. Match.com members form a diverse, global community of singles who share common goals - to meet other singles, find dates, form romantic relationships and meet life partners. Young and old alike, gay and straight, from everywhere around the world, singles come to Match.com to flirt, meet, date, have fun, fall in love and to form meaningful, loving relationships."
And Glamour magazine had this to say:"Match.com is like Baskin-Robbins' 31 flavors: blondes, redheads, Egyptians and probably a set of Siamese twins if you were to search long enough."Now, I am not sure just who match.com is trying to match with whom, perhaps conjoined twins are hot for Egyptians right now....
I would like you to take a look at this screen shot of the most recent Match.com advertisement on Myspace.com and tell me who you think they are trying to match up with this person...
She looks to be in about the 12-14 year old range. The video loop features her squinting at the screen, smiling bashfully, flipping her hair back, and tilting her head coyly to the side and giggling to herself. The advertisement beckons you to "See who's online near you".What I would like to know is, why is the "Baskin Robbin's" of the dating websites, advertising "under-age teen girl" as one of it's 31 flavors?
Oh, to be a cat but feel like a lion; to have the world as your oyster and spend your days napping in the sun; to be center of your own universe, and have all your world and life revolve around yourself; how would it be?
My cat is the most confident and self-assured person I know. She stalks shadows and toys around my apartment like a lion on the plains of Africa. She knows that she is important and never questions my love for her. She never hesitates to ask for what she wants or needs, even though I am not always adept at understanding her. If she wants space, she doesn't yell at me or push me away. She simply goes to a different area of the house and relaxes until she is ready to see me again.
My cat loves passionately and fully. She does not wait around for others to love her. She gives her love, confident that in giving love she will receive love in return. She asks for love gently and sweetly but also boldly and assuredly. If she needs attention from me, she makes it known and then waits patiently for me to give to her. If I am too busy and shoo her away, she doesn't take it personally. She simply finds something else to do. She is comfortable sitting on the chair on the other side of the living room away from me because physical distance does not remove the bond she has to me.
My cat does things just because they are fun without a single thought of what I or anyone else will think of her. She attacks my toes in the middle of the night because they are little people to play with while the big people are sleeping. She runs through the house, joyfully and excitedly, playing tag with shadows on the ceiling. She doesn't care who is watching or what they think of her. She doesn't care if someone sees her run into the glass door or slide across the hard floor awkwardly. She digs in my houseplants because she enjoys it, regardless of what I say to her. Her motto seems to be: It's fun. Who cares?
When a person is described as "cat-like", it conjures up ideas of that person being independent and withdrawn, stealthy, aloof and/or standoffish. I think this term needs to be re-evaluated. We could all learn a thing or two about confidence, love, and joy by being more like a cat. I, for one, am going to use her as a personal example more often. I encourage the reader to do the same.
Love fully. Sing loudly. Dance wildly. Make noise. Do the things you enjoy and don't let yourself be bothered with who is watching or what they are thinking. Do things just because they feel good. Play! Give your love and friendship away to everyone, you wont run out. Tell people when you need them, but don't be too pushy if they don't have time for you at the moment. They will come around and if they don't, you know you didn't waste too much time on trying to get them to. Ask for what you want. Don't expect people to just know. Be understanding and persistent but kind when someone doesn't exactly "speak your language". Be passionate. Be bold. Be whatever you are, but be the best you. Don't just be a cat, be a lion.
Sorry I flew off the handle in my previous post. I really did accidentally delete my entire blog. I nearly gave up on this blog altogether. There were posts on here from as far back as 4-5 years ago (or earlier), and a lot of them were not backed up. I will be starting over fresh and new (kind of liberating, really).. I will be posting old blogs in here as I come across them. I do have some things saved in various places.
But for now, I would like to welcome you to my new blog. I hope you enjoy it.